let's just celebrate that!

the call to parenthood is not a call to the weak. when the call comes, it can be scary and exciting all in one. it's one of the hardest things a person can do. raise a human in hopes that they will turn into functioning, happy adults. and bonus points if your kid even likes you by the time they are an adult. usually though, the hardest things in life are the most rewarding. it's worth it.  

so you go on, each and every day usually each day looking like the one before. we are creatures of habit. you get a system down and you just repeat. you're feeling good about life but then, parenthood has this way of eating at you. challenging you. making you doubt everything you're doing.  some days we're so busy and chaotic with life that we don't have time to question if we're doing it right, if there even is a right way? There's not, by the way.  But then other days, we all have that one day (every time there is a full moon maybe?) where we just think we stink at it all and that everyone else does it better.

and then you picture it in your head. how the other moms are always so organized. they're on time, no, they're always early. and their kids are always color coordinating amongst siblings right down to the little sisters polka-dot hair bow that matches the oh-so-trendy polka-dot bow-tie that the little brother has on. And as if they weren't already perfect enough, the mom then tells how she hand made all the bows with organic cotton in which she grew the cotton herself.  Oh and the mom and the daughter are carrying matching little purses which the mom even put cute little tissues and an organic, natural chap-stick in the daughters purse, you know, just in case!  Isn't it just so cute?  Ugh, yes, it is. Ok, you're cute! You match!  Your clothes are clean, and I am so happy for you!  But the problem is, I could barely find clean clothes for us all to wear, let alone the matching?  Wow. And then we ask ourselves, "What am I doing wrong?"

I have goals in the way I am raising my kids. I have what I think to be the necessary parts of an equation to equal the ultimate, happy, secure child.  As their main source of education I plan every week what they will learn, what sights they might see and who they will hang out with. I plan their menu.  I plan their form of exercise.  They're extra-curricula. Even their clothes!  I have a plan as to where they will be and when.  Its all an intentional plan to help reach the big goal!  You know, the one where they're happy and smart and healthy and rested all in one.  And then within minutes of placing my perfectly planned week all jotted down and sorted into lists and columns and charts on my refrigerator, all of a sudden, something that is not on the schedule or the list or the subjects of things we're supposed to learn this week happens.  It's not in the plan. But it happened.  we oversleep, so therefor we won't do the first thing I had planned and then there it is. You feel like a failure all over again. you're sucking at following your OWN schedule. the one that worked for you. 

this is where stress and anxiety and can kick in and consume you and then before you know it the day that you had prayed about, the one where you asked God to let your heart be still and take in the small things is all ruined.  you try,  but you are just mad at yourself. you don't understand why it's so hard. you then pray a new prayer. "God, please let my children turn out ok despite my lack of awesomeness."  And you trust in that.  Because that's all you can do. 

Just when you think things are spiraling out of control you receive a gift. It's not wrapped in pretty paper or tied in hand-made bows.  It's not expensive. You couldn't buy it. Anywhere. It's simply the words of a stranger.  A young man.  He's been sitting beside my husband and I and the kids in a coffee shop intently writing a paper on his lap-top.  My husband and I both noticed he appeared to be rushing. stressed out.  More than likely writing a paper for a college class. In fact, every table in the coffee shop was full, we, all 5 of us, were sharing the last two chairs left in the place. You can imagine these people's thoughts that are studying in a nice quiet coffee shop when we walked in. "Oh great, three small kids and I'm trying to study. Idiot parents.  Isn't there a play land close?"  And my husband and I both thought a similar thought, "oh crap, these people are all trying to work and we just want to drink coffee as a family and chat."  And MAN was it quiet in there.  We even thought about asking if they could play some music because you could've heard a pin drop in there! But then the words that the stranger said just put everything in place. It completes everything in the plans and goals. It brings a peace and a calming and ah-a breath.  After sitting by him for about twenty minutes he said "I just wanted to tell you, you guys have the best behaved kids I've ever seen in my life."  I could've hugged him. Can we just celebrate THAT for a moment?  I thanked him and looked at the kids and they were smiling.  And one of the kids said "What are we doing to be so well behaved?"  And that's when it hit me!  I plan so much, day in and day out, to achieve this goal when the thing I'm failing to do is see that they are wonderful just the way they are. They are gifts, they are sweet, and they are my kids.  God has entrusted us with their lives. Their upbringing.

Do we tell our kids enough?  Do we tell them their awesome just for being them?  Or do we save it for when they hit a home run, get an A on a paper, or get a trophy for something?  Are we telling them enough that they are wonderful?  Go out and tell them today.  Tell them they're great and that there is no one else like them.  There is only one of them, and they were gifted to you.  What an honor!  It's moments like these that nothing else matters. Let's celebrate what we're all doing right and not worry about if we're screwing it all up. Have a great week and don't forget to smell the roses.

laundry mat

i haven't written in so long. I think of writing every day. I lay in bed at night and write in my head, thinking how things would be phrased. i think about writing every morning-i think to myself, i should write today.  and then i think i shouldn't share, because everyone has something that they want to share with the world, but they don't, so i think i shouldn't.

today i want to write.

it's raining on this last day in april. i keep refraining the same words "april showers bring may flowers" to the kids. they always ask me to say it again; they think it's clever. and i tell them, it really is the truth. just another amazing thing about nature. it all works out so well.  outdoors isn't the only thing wet today.  my washer is leaking. and i keep using it and keep wiping up the mess. not only is that leaking, my dryer is out of commission.  isn't that terrible? so IF i do laundry in my leaky washer, then i hang each item on a drying rack and wait two days for it to be completely dry. there is only so much room on these drying racks and clothes lines (when it's not raining). you get my drift. yes, i am complaining.  the computer let's me whine and doesn't talk back. it just listens to me; no judgement.  i am weeks behind on my laundry and with our family of five, and the messy life we lead with spills, multiple outfit changes and sports, the kids are sometimes going through three outfits a day.  it is safe to say i am buried alive in laundry. every woman's problem.

something came over me today and i said i wasn't putting up with this crap anymore. i am going to fix this.  i sent a hasty text letting my husband know that this problem better get fixed or else. i don't do that often. i have learned that nagging is not the way to motivate a man. anyway, i am sure he was terribly threatened by my text. Hardly!  He did give me an "i love you" so that makes things all better, right?  anyway, i fill three hampers with socks, underwear, t-shirts and towels-the necessities.  and i loaded those up in the car, in the rain, along with my 3 kids.  a new adventure. today they learned about the laundry mat.

while they were there, they were exploring.  pushing buttons, locking and unlocking the front loaders, asking questions, pushing the carts around etc.  they helped me sort the laundry into three triple load washers. they loved it. they could see it spin and suds and spin and it just thrilled them.  while they were watching, i was listening.  we were there for about 2 1/2 hours, and you would not believe what i heard.

when i got there. there were 2 older men in there. it was fairly quiet but the one guy turned out to be a yacker. we'll call the yacker "Jack" in this story.  Jack the yacker.  The first thing I noticed about Jack was that his hat was embroidered with the words "veteran".  Jack noticed that the other gentleman (let's call him Phil, he looked like a Phil) Phil, had washed and hung a coat on a hanger with the words "Coast Guard" printed on the back. Jack asks with enthusiasm "Were you in the coast gaurd?"  Phil replies with a no and proceeds to tell Jack that his son was but he passed away 6 months ago, at 28 years old, in a motorcycle accident.  My heart sank.  They exchanged many more words about being in the army and what it can do for a family-the good and the bad.  Phil was finished with his laundry and told Jack as he left "God Bless".

Next person to enter is another male.  Jack immediately starts conversation. Asked this guy if he was in the army.  They talked about politics, what is wrong with society and how the bathroom doors remained locked at the laundry mat due to an issue with vandalism. At this point they are shaking their heads together and both agreed that they fear for their grandchildren's future because nobody cares anymore and nobody respects anything.

The next person to enter is an elderly woman who could barely walk and was assisted by an equally older male.  She asked me what was wrong with my son, and I told her he was born with spina bifida.  Her eyes welled up with tears and she said "Oh my goodness, honey, I am so sorry. I will pray for him. What is his first name?"  By this point, my energetic son comes whizzing up in his wheelchair to see just who I am talking to. I thanked the woman and assured her that he was a blessed little boy, and not to be saddened by his condition. I explained how mischievous he can be. My washers were done so we said good bye.

The last couple came in-a couple in their 50's or 60's. The man had a long white beard and a belly that shook when he laughed.  Low and behold I hear him telling this older couple that he dresses as Santa from November to December at local venues.  And the wife chimes in and boast that she plays the part of Ms. Claus.  And then, after some more small talk, "Santa" shares that he hasn't spoken to his son in 20 years because they had a falling out. They live in the same town.  And eventually the woman shares that she lost her hair during her battle with breast cancer.

Yes, all this was discussed at the laundry mat. I don't know if the environment makes people want to talk and share their stories or what, but while my kids were rolling around in the carts, and fiddling with all the buttons and hiding under tables like kids do, I just looked at them.  I thought about the man who said his son died in the motor cycle accident, just a week before he was going to visit him. And I thought about what the world was going to be like when my kids were 50. Am I giving them the tools they need to survive?  And I worried, and wondered if that father and son who don't speak ever got along, even when the son was a young man living with his parents. And how does that happen that you just don't speak to your children. Will that happen to me?  Is it possible to be so bitter that you can't speak to the very one you gave life to?

I think about our everyday life, living with someone who is handicap and how I forget all of Joshua's struggles and problems sometimes and how a woman can just as much as look at him and cry.  Am I numb?  I think about my health, and how important it is to eat right and take care of myself to keep cancer at bay if at all possible.

And then I realize what was going on.  I was supposed to be there today. Something greater than me was communicating to my heart today, letting me know that a broken washer and dryer are no big deal. And that the relationship I mold with my children now needs to be solid, so they don't move out and never come back.

"Laundry Mat Conversations".  I wonder if anyone has ever written a book on this.  If you need inspiration, take your laundry to the laundry mat and listen.

I am tired. It's still raining. But I am so thankful for this day.

Breastfeeding A Toddler

As some of you may know, my 3rd child I breastfed until he was 4. My milk dried up several months ago but he was still finding comfort in latching for a few minutes every couple of days even though he was getting no milk. I know about the benefits of just having child to breast so I was totally fine with it. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago my husband and I decided to talk to him and start telling him no when he went for the boob. Honestly, it made me want to cry, but my son reacted so calmly and really had no problem with it other than the first few times of me telling him gently "no" he would kind of pout and ask why. Though I wcould have allowed him to comfort nurse for years to come with no problem, I really felt he was ready and I had to encourage him and let him "spread his wings" if you will. SOmetimes, we need to let them grow up-and I knew it was time, despite what my heart felt. Well, it's been probably 3-4 weeks since no more latching and he is totally fine, well adjusted, we had no drama, no tantrums etc. etc. He has told me a couple of times that he really misses my "sweet yummy milk" but we are able to talk about his nursing in a mature, memorable way. With his 5th birthday just months away, I leave behind one of the sweetest parts of my motherhood thus far, nursing into toddler hood and bonding forever. I love that he is old enough to always remember nursing. I miss it every day and often times think about a 4th baby, but for now this is it. And for all the people that just don't understand "extended breastfeeding" ( i dislike the use of that term because it is not "extended" it is how it is supposed to be, it's just breastfeeding) and thinks it makes the kid have dependency issues and makes them shy or weird, lol, if you could meet my son, you would see just how independent and brave he is despite his disability and the fact that I nursed him for almost 5 years. Anyway, I could talk for hours about the benefits and sweetness of nursing a toddler, but I wanted to remind you that if you are nursing a boob obsessed 2 year old (trust me, we were there, he wanted to nurse every minute at age two and wanted both boobs and wanted to touch both boobs and play with boobs-gah!) and you have a lot of critics and think there will never be an end to your craziness of nursing a big kid, that it does end sweetly and softly when the child is ready. Lastly, I still co-sleep with him (for many reasons other than just to co-sleep-he has epilepsy and is paralyzed from the waist down) and any time he tosses and turns in his sleep naturally, his hand goes right for my breast and once he feels my skin, he is back to sleep. I guess it's like his "blankie". I love being his mommy. Sometimes, we have to follow our instincts and not the popular choice, and when we trust ourselves enough to do that, I truly think motherhood is a powerful, blissful thing.

damn it

i started a support group called iBreastfeed. here is my latest post that i wrote in my group. share this, please.

"OK...so i love and watch the show Parenthood on Thursday nights at 10. seriously, LOVE the show.

tonight, if you didn't see it, the new mommy on the show was with her family in a restaurant eating and was trying to feed her fussy newborn. the scene, of course, was exaggerated a bit, but it was still real life. the baby always wants to nurse when we are eating. 

so, on the show tonight, baby wouldn't latch and kept crying and other customers were complaining and the mom (and her family) were asked to LEAVE the restaurant. now i know this is just a show. BUT they put stuff in shows that people can relate to. they put the mom who is just tired and wishes the baby would just latch like a good little baby, like we see in the magazines and eat and coo and smile and just be tickled pink, in the show on purpose. because it's motherhood. and they are in a restaurant and trying to nurse at the table, where the babe and mother should sit to feed and NOT in a bathroom and the manager asks them to LEAVE. excuse my french but THIS SHIT HAPPENS all too much. people are asked to leave because they are breastfeeding-a perfect act of NATURE-and people have to whine and complain? 

really? REALLY? are we going to let the world do this to our natural ability to care for a child without bottles and formula and all this other CRAP?? we are born to feed, ladies. you give birth, you feed. you nurture. 

i was really happy with the scene in the show. it raises awareness. the breastfeeding mother's husband threw a fit and supported her. i was on my breastfeeding advocate high horse until i starting reading comments on the internet about the scene. women writing in and saying "geez, if the breastfeeding lady would have just went out to her car, none of this would have happened". or "all the lady had to do was go outside and feed the baby and make it stop crying and it would have all been fine".

REALLY? Am I so naive that I thought all women stood together and supported a woman's right to feed the baby? I mean CRAP. 

I AM SHAKEN BY WHAT THIS WORLD, NO NO NO, WHAT THIS CULTURE HAS BECOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i need you, EACH AND EVERY 343 MEMBERS of iBreastfeed to stand tall, to stand proud for what you know. what you believe. educate yourself. believe in yourself and help me CHANGE THIS WORLD, this place that is uncomfortable with NATURE itself, to make it a better, more supportive place for our children.

hallelujah, where's the wine..."

FEEL FREE TO SHARE IN AN EFFORT TO CHANGE THIS WORLD!

reminder: be normal

i am amused by the fact that everyone views monday as the beginning. how are we ALL on the same wavelength?  imagine a time when there were no calendars or clocks and the only way to keep track of things is by totally being in tune with your mind, body and spirit. a time when you felt it was time to exercise or read or even teach someone something.

a wonderful weekend passed again. it was an overall calm one and it was extra special because i saw many loved ones. anyway, sunday night, late sunday night that is, after i got all my little people settled and snuggled with them until they drifted into their slumber, i was laying in bed doing my usual internet browsing and thinking. and with it being sunday night, i had those thoughts that i am sure many of you do.  thoughts that include, but are not limited too:

"i will get more done this week, maybe clean out the basement"
"i will exercise, in fact, i will take the whole family to the park, every night, we will burn so many calories"
"i will make cookies this week"
"i will get up earlier so i can get more done"
"i am going to get all the laundry done tomorrow, if i just devote my whole day to it, i can get it done"
"i will get more lessons done with the kids this week, maybe we could go to the library every day"

i get all these great ideas. and then with all these great ideas i realize i just need to put these things on my calendar so they will get done. 20 minutes later, i have added 15 reminders in my phone. and i was only on tuesday!

you see, i lead a very....hmmm what is the word...i dunno. my life doesn't typically compare to the lives of other mothers that have 3 kids. we just do things differently in our home i guess, i don't know why, it's just the way it is.  sooo, these reminders that i put in my phone are reminders to be "normal".

one of my reminders i scheduled was to wake up at 7 everyday because i believed that is what other "normal" people do. wake up the same time every day. and early.  the next reminder is "throw in a load of laundry". this reminder was set to go off shortly after i woke up because that seems to be what a normal stay at home mom would do.  another reminder was "lunch" and it was set to go off at noon because i figured that is what every other family does at home, eats lunch at noon.  i even put a reminder on my phone to "take walk" at 7 p.m. because that seems to be the time i see my neighbors strolling about.

we do not get up the same time every day. in fact, i don't even set an alarm because typically i have no place to be in the morning.  i don't do laundry every day. i should. but life doesn't allow me to. the life we have chosen does not always support a rigid cleaning schedule.  we do eat lunch every day. but not until we get hungry. it's sometime in between breakfast and supper, but it is rarely at noon.  my family and i are pretty active. we take walks, go for bike rides, shoot hoops in the drive way and even do some yoga and hip hop dancing together from time to time.  but we never seem to do the same sort of exercise two days in a row. it's always something different.

after setting all of my reminders in my phone i was feeling optimistic that this was going to be the week that we were a normal family. i went to bed feeling great.  monday started off good. woke up early, drank my coffee to get me going, ate lunch "on-time" and so on and so forth. my phone kept dinging as each reminder went off and i would check it off and move onto the next thing. monday night was ok, but each time my phone dinged to remind me of something else i felt more and more agitated.

we went to bed and all was well. i was thankful for the day i had, but i didn't feel complete when i went to bed. i felt out of sorts and was grumpy. i was partly grumpy because i had my day all "planned" and some events didn't go as planned.

by tuesday afternoon, i silenced my phone. the reminders had gotten the best of me. i realized all i did was set myself up for failure.i canceled all of tuesday's reminders.  tuesday was awesome. today was good.  we had a wonderful school day, we ate lunch when the kids told me they were hungry and i got laundry done. i did it when i felt like it. i did the dishes when i noticed nats. i played with the kids when i noticed they needed me. and i wrote on my blog when i felt inspired even though i know i "should be in bed" as some would say. why "should" i be in bed? who says. for me, it feels fantastic to be awake at 1 a.m. I feel like I could write a whole book right now and for crying out loud, everyone thinks we should sleep at night!

anyway, i wanted to share with you what i learned. i learned that i do things differently than my neighbor. and i learned that i really like it that way.

life is good

Hi there.  hope this blog post finds you content and well.  as always, coffee is good and i am alive.  the kids are peaches and handy manny is busy fixing things on my tv for my sons entertainment so i can scribble here.

just the thought in my head for the day...

last night in bed i was reading about syria and war. typically things i try to avoid reading because i am helpless and i find it to be disturbing.  but, for some reason, i felt the need to be brought up to pace. left with a fearful feeling in my gut, i went to bed.  as i woke up this morning and read online, there seemed to be 3 or 4 articles that i kept seeing regarding cancer, especially the rise of cancer in north america.  wait, north america...that's where i am. so i read the article. gahhh. why do i read things about a war that we cannot win and a disease that apparently our north american lifestyle is promoting?

and when i read stuff like this, i am not just concerned about the well being of me, but my children, whom i make decisions for, my husband, my whole family, my friends, YOU, yes, i am even worried about your safety and health!  and then i hear handy manny. a good samaritan, helping friends, teaching people and always providing quality work.  i look out my window, and the sparkling september sun that i talked about yesterday came back for the day to shine on my life.  i think about the lessons we will do in our homeschool today; the ones that i planned for my kids and no one told me how to do it.  i think of all this. i think of how despite what is going on around me that is bigger and scarier and out of my control, what is going on right around me is nothing less than perfect and delightful.

it is recited often that ignorance is bliss, and it is.  every day we are learning and growing, and that is important. but sometimes i wished i wouldn't have learned about syria. i wish i wouldn't have learned that my can of pepsi and my microwave are killing me. i wish all i knew was that the sun glimmers on me and my family, God loves me unconditionally and that handy manny is a cool dude.

raise your mug.  celebrating what is good in my life because i know i cannot do it all. we will do our best today. we will learn. we will eat fruit. we will use our microwave. we will trust our God. and maybe i will go buy 30 jugs of water to stash in my basement for doomsday.

Books And Movies Including Kids With Special Needs

This is going to be an ongoing post on my blog and I will update it as I find more.

Books and Movies for children that help explain disabilities and diseases in a non-scary way:

1. Handy Manny Season 3: Episode 15 "Story Hour/Long John Lopart" is about guide dogs, being blind and braille.
2. Arthur Season 13: Episode 1 "The Great Mrs. MacGrady"  is about cancer.